(Warning. This will contain uncomfortable reminiscences and swearing)
So I went to see the Hobbit this evening. I'm late to the party, I know. I'm really not the biggest Tolkein fan in the world. I don't speak Elvish. I haven't memorized which swarthy dude begat which swarthy dude which begat this or that character that appears for a brief moment in one of the books.
But the Hobbit nevertheless occupies a very important part of my history. One that I hadn't really thought about until tonight.
There was a period of my life during which I and my family were homeless. We lived in a tent first and then a camper. For any of you who've lived a fringe existence or have been a member of an abusive or dysfunctional family, you know that the violence or drug use or whatever it may be is bad, but having to keep it a secret and feeling alienated from your peers and from the human species in general is really the worst part. It's not something you get over. As for an animal who hasn't been properly socialized when it's young, people will always be something to mistrust or hide from rather than look forward to interacting with. Fortunately for my brother and I, my mother was invested in doing what she could to make the whole thing bearable and part of that was reading to us every evening before bed. The first book she read to us was The Hobbit. It remains one of my favorite memories.
In addition to this, my closest and longest childhood friend and I completely wore out her VHS of the animated version. I feel incredibly sorry for anyone who doesn't understand how awesome it is, in spite of its flaws and its goofiness.
So when I went to see the movie this evening I expected to go on an action-packed, rather stupid Hollywood adventure, which I did, but I didn't expect so many recollections involved.
So here are some of my thoughts on the movie, as a fan, but not the greatest fan, of the Hobbit:
LOL, I don't understand the hot dwarves. I really REALLY can't wait to see hilarious slash of Bilbo and Thorin or Bilbo and bowl-cut dwarf or Bilbo and the two, sexy young dwarves or Bilbo and Smaug or WHATEVER! If you find anything really good, send it to me and I'll pass it around to all of my cohorts so we can giggle hysterically.
Motherfucking elves. When I was a kid I thought they were OK. In the Lord of the Rings, I found Legolas's doe-eyed sexy super-poweredness to be stupid, but he was *supposed* to be kind of stupid. Right? RIGHT?! I hope so. But man, what a lot of smug, obnoxious Mary Sues. I've got less and less tolerance these days for the super-pretty characters who live forever and always smell like spring flowers and never have cavities or diarrhea or sexual hang-ups or anything that make people interesting. I think the PJ films must play up the unbearable sexiness of the elves, posing on sunlit cliffs and shit, because it never really bothered me while reading the books. I mean, the dwarves can get pretty unbearable but they're also hairy and smelly and have flaws and personalities.
As someone who has the book practically seared into my brain, I found the changes they made to be annoying but pretty shrug-worthy. That's just the way movies work. I'm cool with that.
More wizards should wear bird shit smeared down their head. Seriously. It's just what the Harry Potter series needed.
I don't think PJ really understands how not-bad-ass Bilbo really is. I'm getting pretty tired of characters doing these unbelievably heroic things and then going: Ho hum. Oh no, I'm just an ordinary dude who wants to sit in my arm chair; I'm not brave at all! Well I'm calling bullshit.
Other than that, I liked Bilbo just fine and the dwarves just fine, though there was altogether too much dramatic posing on Thorin's part. I really really wish he'd busted out his harp because fierce-warrior-dwarf scowling and brooding and playing a harp is too good.
I really can't get over how awful animals still look in CGI films. The deer or elk or whatever the woodland king was riding looked more sculpture than living creature and the wargs, which I realize are supposed to be monsters, nevertheless resembled those horrible 'soft taxidermy' stuffed monstrosities that surface on DA occasionally. Maybe it's the film they used but I did not find it at all convincing.
Can't wait for Smaug. Loved the animated version. I am strong, strong, STRONG! pfff. Too good.
That's all for now. I'll leave you with this. Because it's awesome: www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-_r1N…